Why close people can not talk about the intimate side of his life and how to understand?
And if someone this story from the category "can not be " , then sexologists such situations - their everyday work . Here's what readers told MedPulse psychologist Eugene Makovetska sexologist .
Silence - gold?
- It is obvious that the young are more free and liberated . Sex for them long term legal . They grew up , formed in the days when " this " immodestly wrote and told.
Now for / f " Sex and the City " look even 13 -year-olds . And when parents are trying to speak : " Maybe you should too early " , replied: " Oh, come on ... " In general, the theory is well known . With some practice, but it is another matter . Turn on your television , you open the Internet, newspapers ... it seems that more problems than sexual , people simply do not . Meanwhile , to this day refer to sexologists those for whom to discuss intimate issues - a sore subject . There are several reasons .
First, the problem of confidence in the pair. Very thin, individual matter . No confidence , a sense of security , understanding - there is no way to open up, to start a frank conversation .
Second, the problem of communication. It is important to be able to talk about the issue so as not to offend, not to offend , not to shock . Find the right words , to take into account the mood of the partner. And if the original couple discussing their sex, and then suddenly stopped , probably , one side " scratched " the other. Now the topic is closed , and the fear of repeating the painful experience does not come back to the point where everything was okay.
double-edged sword
On an emotional level rising tensions and dissatisfaction with each other . It threatens parting. The reason - a double-edged sword : most often the problem was incorrectly presented to or could get the wrong reaction. How many " textbook cases " when women talk about their dissatisfaction , really hurting partner.
Third, the inability to talk about sex , as there is no decision of their own sexuality . Most often this background - directive asexual family upbringing . In the future, it becomes largely a problem of girls : their sexuality is more tied to the emotional , psychological background. For men thought of everything nature - high levels of testosterone support their libido .
Woman , brought up in an atmosphere of secrecy about the relations between the sexes , just do not know how to get satisfaction. Does not understand when a friend said : "Sex - it's super ." She does not know what it was about . Usually feelings of sexual life are reduced to the definition of " somehow , but in general you can bear ."
Fourth disharmony family life. In this case, people are not satisfied with one another or in terms of domestic or psychologically . Location here to undertake sexual harmony ?
Actress one role
- Another female problem - constant imitation of orgasm. Like a man after a passionate night wondered : "You were with me okay? " The girl he confidently : " Of course ! " On this issue was settled and closed. Further, approximately the same scenario is repeated love , a woman gets used to the role of a passionate partner, which flies from ecstasy to another dimension. Man, of course, pleased. First of all, is , I'm sure he magnificent lover. And so it goes on not one or two years - 15-20 years.
When a woman simply can not continue this farce , might truly a disaster. Initially she deceived , faked , faking , but was not as satisfying , and no.
What should she do ? Tell her husband the truth? It is definitely a risk - automatic loss of confidence in the pair. What conclusion can make a man ? " If she cheated on me so many years , could cheat at something else and, most likely , and did ... "
Few people who are capable of withstanding the recognition that their whole life together was just an illusion of well-being . Find here easy way out . What to do? Think through several possible solutions to the problem , selecting one that is less hurt partner. Understand this will help psychologist sexologist , knowing all the nuances of the situation. The only advice that can be given explicitly , - do not start lying about his " bed- happiness " from the outset.
Do not do terrible eyes !
- If parents have problems with accepting their sexuality , they are not able to build trusting relationships with each other , all this at an unconscious level transmitted to children who will go through life with the same kind of problems.
The family could not be any rigid installations , not to speak aloud about what sex - is " indecent and dirty " , but some inner stupor broadcast on an emotional level .
Another important focus . Educators and parents simply do not know how to react when a child begins to 2.5-3 years to examine their genitals to touch them . And if you are interested in " this place" a child of the opposite sex , they are terrified. Starting to hit on her hands, swear to punish.
However, in the interest of young children to the genitals of each other no sexual overtones. Their actions - it's not bad , and not be ashamed . This knowledge of the world , another person and himself, because such interest is natural.
In my experience was a blatant example . Boy in childhood caused serious psychological trauma . Around the age of 3.5 years, the teacher saw him in the shared bathroom . Nothing terrible and awful happened : he , removing panties , showed himself to the girl. The teacher is not enough that it has become a hit on her hands, in the quiet hours without panties put in the corner , face to all .
For a child it was a terrible psychological trauma , which manifested itself in the formation of sexuality already maturing teenager. From the onset of sexual activity he had difficulty with erection, among other things , problems with male identity.
"Rape" wife
- Another important aspect : people say "about it " , but do not hear each other. Let me explain by example. A man proposed to his young wife group sex : Cast it , she and one or two members . First, she refused , then relented.
New sexual experience was unpleasant to her . However, she still tried several times to find in it any pleasure . Say, does it because he did not want to disappoint her husband. In fact, all of unconscious fear of losing this man . But that happens only caused disgust that led to a decrease of sexual desire .
What do you think , what they came for consultation ? To adjust its aversion to continue further experiments . But it was necessary to convey to the guy that his wife all this absolutely hate . She also had to accept their sexuality , their own bodily reactions and stop fighting with disgust.
After all, the brain can be fooled by the body - never. Head know : times group sex someone so much, maybe I should try ? And when you try , the body literally screams : I do not want , I'm terribly bad, unpleasant , there is an immense feeling of disgust.
As a result, only the reception the young man realized that his wife was experiencing . But before that, people were discussing the situation, but he simply did not hear her . In fact, people participated in the " rape " of his wife , without realizing it. She was disconnected from their own experiences , trying to tune in to positive feelings , as if watching from the sidelines , one - a separate body - separately. So feel victims of violence .
And if within the couple , nothing will change , the development of relations can only go in one scenario . The girl's rejection of sexual relations will develop in principle.
In a word , to be able to hear and speak to each other in matters of "the most personal life " - means being able to be happy. And vice versa ...